I think i secretly love/like white men or perhaps desire to be with one?

My story is - the odds of me having a white man as a boyfriend are 1 to none, because 1st my mother would disapprove, my friends would look down upon me - my family (siblings) would freak- like OMG freak, and also i find it hard to approach white men because I tend to think i will be rejected- but you know whats so wiered about all this, is that older white men hit on me, but i am NOT into older men- going back to my point I am not the typical girl next door - long hair, blue eyes - bla bla bla - YES I hate extension, my hair is short(Rihanna cut) and i find that most white men prefer gals with hair - so anyways even when i really meet a white guy that's really cute I cant really seem to even say hi... and yeah, black men flirt with me, but i usually decline their invites to dates or stuff like that - And it gets me mad because as a black girl i should be able to say yes to good looking educated black men < seriously!!!!! -I love who I am. I love my roots - so Its not that I am racist against my own race or anything like that - so now am 21yrs single in university working on my bachelor in Journalism and crime PRETENDING to be happy and secretly yearning for a white man as boyfriend perhaps even as a future husband .. its sad - really sad - someone please tell me what to do - anything .. I cant keep living like this.. can i?